Sometimes I actually forget how totally and absolutely broken I am, and then...Yesterday I was trying to make some headway on my crazy house. Then there was an incident involving really red liquid robitussin (it was on the ceiling, on the carpet, all over Miss MA's back & neck), and Dixie decided that it was time to grace us all with Eau de Cat Poop, her favorite fragrance ever. By the time I realized she had doused herself, she was sharing it with the love seat and the carpet in front of the couch, because she thinks that we all should love the smell as much as she does. SIGH. So major crisis cleaning, and a bath for the big galoot, and my morning was shot. A bit of respite with mom's arrival (she spends every Tuesday afternoon & night with us, and goes home Wednesday afternoon; yes, I know I'm incredibly blessed), and then this afternoon happens. I was making dinner, and when it was time to strain the spaghetti, I put the strainer right next to a bowl full of bleach that I was soaking a lost sippy cup in. However, I forgot about the bleach, and suddenly I had bleach water all over our spaghetti. So I loudly and angrily contemplated my next move, when I heard Miss K say "Da** it." I stopped..."What did you say, baby?" "Da** it, mommy. My weeble car won't stay on the road I made." All the blood drained from my face, and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds as the realization hit me that I've taught my precious daughter this hateful expression. I hugged her tight, and said "Baby, that's an ugly thing to say. I'm so sorry that I say it. Let's think of some other things we can do when we're frustrated." With this still heavy on my heart, I went back to dinner....sandwiches...and I burned the rolls under the broiler. I was ready to retreat to the bedroom with a box of kleenex and a pint of ice cream, when honey came in and scraped all the black off the rolls in an attempt to salvage dinner. When we finished I decided we all needed ice cream (can you say "emotional eater?"). So I took the truck...and it wouldn't start in the grocery parking lot (same problem we thought we had fixed over Christmas break). Enter the 3 Stooges type adventure getting the car to the shop, and you've got a picture of my day. AAUUGGHH. I need a good cry. A nice long, make-your-head-hurt and nose run kinda cry. I HATE being broken. I really do. I HATE that my baby girl has to wear glasses because she inherited my horrible eyes. I HATE that now her little mind will forever have that ugly phrase imprinted on it because she heard her mommy say it one too many times. It was such an avoidable thing too. All I can do now is turn to the One who sees my heart breaking because of my sin, Who weeps with me...This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Thy faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I have hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him." Lamentations 3: 21-25
9 months ago
5 comments:
thank you for taking the time to share your struggles and the encouragement of the truth of scripture that brings us back to the reality of our perfect positional peace despite or broken selves...love you tons and i will pray that in all that follows the flusters of yesterday you will see the grace of God, Indeed His faithfulness is great
Thanks, Shan, for your honesty. We can only hope that as we teach them sinful attitudes and behaviors (as if the little humans need to be taught) we also teach that we are indeed broken and must fully rely on and hope in the Fixer. Do we really want to put up a front to the kids that we are perfect (if we even could on our best day), lest they think they might be self-sufficient and not need the Lord's saving grace. Sounds like you're teaching your girls the good stuff, too. :)
Can't wait til the 2nd!
Does it help to know that you are not alone? That us other "godly" mommies have done similar things, imprinted similar phrases on our children's minds, released the she-dragon (LOVED that analogy!) one too many times...You say it well when you remember the grace of God. I always told Nate when we began disciplining him that even though he might make a bad choice, Mommy still loved him, just like God still loves us when we make bad choices. Seeing Mommy admit to making mistakes, asking forgiveness, really leaves an impression on a child--and hopefully will lead him/her to understand that imperfection can be forgiven and accepted by our heavenly Father. So, no, we don't like screwing up in front of the kids, and then getting called for it. But when it happens, responses like yours go a long way toward making all things work together for good... Hang in there, Shannon. I hope today was better.
What does Feb. 3rd look like for you? I'm thinking fajitas...
Hey Shannon,
I just wanted to cry with you when I read your post. It's so hard to admit and repent of our OWN sin and then when we see it in our children it is downright heartbreaking. I too have wept many times over seeing the very things I HATE about myself being played out again in my little ones. But, like you have testified, Praise be to God for redeeming our lives from the pit AND continually making us new. He is faithful, and what a joy to know that He removes our sin as far as the east is from the west. I love you
Thank you, sweet friends for the encouragement! It's a balm for my soul. Yesterday was better, and today is shaping up nicely.
Love you all!
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