Abide...

verb (used without object) 1. to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me. 2) to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village. 3. to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; last.

Once a month, our family has a Bernice day, and Sunday was one such day. Bernice is who I want to be when I grow up: she is a spry 85 year-young bundle of energy (she keeps her nursing license current, just to stay sharp), who loves my family more than I can even comprehend. We've known Bernice for almost 9 years now; she's a member of the church honey was employed at until September, and she misses us terribly (and vice-versa!), hence our monthly visits (I think my girls would revolt if we lost touch with their dear "Miss Bernice"). Once we were telling Bernice what an incredible encouragement she is to us, and she said, "Well, all I've ever wanted to be is a cold cup of water in the hand of the Lord, so if I've touched you, thank Him." That's her heart: she lives to bless others in the name of Christ. So naturally I always come away with something special after our visits with her! Sunday we were sharing with her some of our recent struggles, and she said, "You just make sure to abide in Him. I know it's a struggle, because goodness knows I still struggle with it, but that's what you need to do." I was both blown away and incredibly encouraged at the thought that Bernice still struggles with abiding in Him. Blown away because when I think of a godly woman, Bernice is the first to pop to my mind (when I'm struggling to deal with my temper in Dallas traffic, I think of how I would behave were Bernice in the car, and I straighten right up). Encouraged because somehow, the fact that Bernice still struggles with sin makes it more normal for me to still struggle with my sin. And hence the encouragement to abide. I'm doing a study in I John, and last night I went through the book and found all the "behavioral statements." These statements are all incredibly black and white, and the final word on these directives is found in 5:18: no one who is born of God sins... But then the study directed us to 1:8: If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. So there's the paradox...we're called to this unattainable standard of perfection, and once we start to get how bankrupt we truly are, we realize how very much we need Him, how very vital it is to abide, day by day, moment by moment even. There in the midst of our inability to be perfect, we find grace. So there's Bernice's challenge for us all. Father, grant me a heart that yearns to abide, and grant my feeble heart the strength to stay put.

For heaven's sake, SMILE

Indulge me on my soap box for just a moment... One of the most frustrating things about visiting churches has been the lack of willingness on the part of church members to walk up to us, smile, and say "Hi!" Community is supposed to be a great hallmark of the church, and it's just hard to convince anyone (believers or unbelievers) that any real community is taking place if the only people who say "Hi!" are paid staff. So, for heaven's sake, smile at somebody new the next time you're at church, and take a few minutes out of visiting with dear ones to invest in a newcomer. I know I'm preaching to the choir...thanks for letting me vent.

Everything's gonna be all right

OK, so I have a babe that's addicted to Bob Marley. Last night (before our big date!) honey asked the pumpkins if they wanted to watch a movie or watch Bob Marley (we have a DVD thanks to our ultra-cool bro & sis-in-law). Miss MA ran to the TV, turned it on, and started dancing. She, obviously, chose Bob. Last year when she was still dealing with her tummy issues, there were two things that would always make her smile: Dixie (her first words were "Hi, Dixie!"), and Bob Marley and the Wailers. Like bro-in-law said, once Miss MA is old enough to realize that we went to Jamaica without her, she's gonna be mad.Our other pumpkin has decided that she's going to be a clown when she grows up. She's been stuck on this idea since Thanksgiving, and she's just not going to bend (it didn't help that mom told her she'd go to clown school with her when she gets older). The main draw is that clowns juggle, and Miss K just really wants to be able to juggle. Mind you, she's never seen a clown up close & in person...we're kind of hoping that when she does, she'll be as freaked out by them as we are. If not, I suppose we'll just have to find some sort of support group for parents of professional clowns.And I am proud of us - thanks to another incredibly kind & thoughtful bro-in-law, and sis-in-law to be, we actually went out on a date last night. Ate sushi (have to admit I picked the place - never thought I'd be one to eat sushi, but then I went and married a yankee with a taste for it), and stayed out wayyyy past our bedtime. I honestly can't handle those late nights that well anymore, I'm afraid. I am dragging today! But it was fun to get out, knowing that our pumpkins were safe & sound with uncle & auntie.

Broken

Sometimes I actually forget how totally and absolutely broken I am, and then...Yesterday I was trying to make some headway on my crazy house. Then there was an incident involving really red liquid robitussin (it was on the ceiling, on the carpet, all over Miss MA's back & neck), and Dixie decided that it was time to grace us all with Eau de Cat Poop, her favorite fragrance ever. By the time I realized she had doused herself, she was sharing it with the love seat and the carpet in front of the couch, because she thinks that we all should love the smell as much as she does. SIGH. So major crisis cleaning, and a bath for the big galoot, and my morning was shot. A bit of respite with mom's arrival (she spends every Tuesday afternoon & night with us, and goes home Wednesday afternoon; yes, I know I'm incredibly blessed), and then this afternoon happens. I was making dinner, and when it was time to strain the spaghetti, I put the strainer right next to a bowl full of bleach that I was soaking a lost sippy cup in. However, I forgot about the bleach, and suddenly I had bleach water all over our spaghetti. So I loudly and angrily contemplated my next move, when I heard Miss K say "Da** it." I stopped..."What did you say, baby?" "Da** it, mommy. My weeble car won't stay on the road I made." All the blood drained from my face, and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds as the realization hit me that I've taught my precious daughter this hateful expression. I hugged her tight, and said "Baby, that's an ugly thing to say. I'm so sorry that I say it. Let's think of some other things we can do when we're frustrated." With this still heavy on my heart, I went back to dinner....sandwiches...and I burned the rolls under the broiler. I was ready to retreat to the bedroom with a box of kleenex and a pint of ice cream, when honey came in and scraped all the black off the rolls in an attempt to salvage dinner. When we finished I decided we all needed ice cream (can you say "emotional eater?"). So I took the truck...and it wouldn't start in the grocery parking lot (same problem we thought we had fixed over Christmas break). Enter the 3 Stooges type adventure getting the car to the shop, and you've got a picture of my day. AAUUGGHH. I need a good cry. A nice long, make-your-head-hurt and nose run kinda cry. I HATE being broken. I really do. I HATE that my baby girl has to wear glasses because she inherited my horrible eyes. I HATE that now her little mind will forever have that ugly phrase imprinted on it because she heard her mommy say it one too many times. It was such an avoidable thing too. All I can do now is turn to the One who sees my heart breaking because of my sin, Who weeps with me...This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Thy faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul. "Therefore I have hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him." Lamentations 3: 21-25

Bad Habits...

They die hard. I heard this morning on the radio that today is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year ("Blue Monday"), because all the holiday bills are in, the weather is dreary, and most New Year's resolutions have been abandoned. SIGH. So what's a girl to do, especially when she comes home to a house with a dishwasher full of clean dishes (that have to be unloaded), a sink and counter full of dirty dishes (to go in the dishwasher), a baby bed that baby leaked on last night (that mommy promptly forgot to deal with), and dirty clothes everywhere? It's easy for me to lose it at a time like this, to give in to the pressure of all the mundane tasks, and let the she-dragon overtake my personality entirely.

It's called sin (especially when it affects the way I treat honey and the pumpkins, and even the dog), and I tend to write it off as just a bad habit. So it's time to call a spade a spade. I'm sinning when I let she-dragon loose on the family. So I've got to start recognizing the triggers that bring on the she-dragon, and choose to STOP. Take a deep breath...don't get overwhelmed...and count my blessings. Psalm 100 is a great place to start: Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth. Serve the Lord with gladness; Come before Him with joyful singing. Know that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him; bless His name. For the Lord is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting, And His faithfulness to all generations. Lord, help me to remember your goodness and steadfast loyal love when I'm overwhelmed by the mundane, and let my attitude at these times make You look good.

It's my party...

She'll cry if she wants to (this is actually a rather old pic of her). My dear sweet babe has had a terrible cough the last few days, and so for my big 33rd birthday, I got to take her to see her doctor. Big fun, right? SIGH. Dear Miss MA. Turns out she has croup on top of a nasty cold, so her nose is running like a faucet, and she has that horrible barky cough going...she's had a terrible time sleeping. And you know how I love my sleep. Being a mommy this 2nd time around has really revealed to me how truly impatient and fickle I can be. The depths of my selfishness are sometimes shocking (just ask honey!). Lord, give me a tender heart toward my sweet babe, the same kind of heart you have toward me even when I insist upon being Miss Cranky Pants.

Snow Day

OK, really more like slushy frozen rain day. But snow day sounds so much more romantic! I woke this morning with the Snow song from White Christmas running through my head. Promised the pumpkins that we'd make snow men later today ("Eat your breakfast, pumpkins! You'll need your energy when we play in the snow"), so I'm hoping that we actually do get some snow here before too long. I do believe we've got a bit of cabin fever...
Have you ever seen a real snow fall? Like a Colorado snow fall? Beautiful, right? It looks nothing like that here. It's just nasty. So if we were to get a nice foot or so of real snow in our backyard (a girl can dream, can't she?), we'd be looking at an official winter wonderland, a yucky backyard transformed into something beautiful thanks to the presence of a blanket of snow.The incredibly obvious connection is found in Isaiah 1, when the Lord addresses his rebellious & faithless people: "though your sins be like scarlet [or a really slushy backyard filled with Dixie poop], they will be as white as snow..." (verse 18).
This morning Miss K kept running around the house calling everything & everyone "DUMB." So we had to get to some serious shepherding, and I couldn't help but think of all the times I'm like that. Seriously rebellious, not believing or even considering that there are going to be consequences for my actions (think screaming at Dallas traffic, having a tantrum with honey because I refuse to try to communicate, etc...). But just like she's still mine even in the midst of her rebellion, I'm still His. And just like she's still beloved even in the midst of her disobedience, I'm still beloved. So let's strive to live like we're His, to live like our scarlet sins are as white as snow. Remember I John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Amen! So, come on snow. We've got some snowmen to build!!

All is well!

God is good, no matter what the outcome would have been, but I'm relieved to report that all is well. As the doc (female) said, "Your breasts look great." Honey's reply: "I could've told her that." AHEM.
Long story short, lymph nodes look a lot like lumps.
Thank you all for your encouraging notes & prayers!

Crazy Valentine Wreath

So this is the crazy project that's kept my mind off the fact that, at age 32, I'm going in for a repeat mammogram tomorrow. I've been wanting to make a Valentine's wreath for a while now...this just gave me the push to go ahead and do it, so that I didn't sit around the house while the girls were napping thinking about CANCER. Nothing like a hubby to put things in perspective, though, right? First thing honey said: "I vote for reconstructive surgery!" Silly me for sitting around thinking about my girls growing up without a mom...there are more important things to contemplate, like having a nice rack for honey. AHEM.
That's not to say he hasn't been great. He has. I just don't think that either of us want to think too seriously about this until after tomorrow, when we know whether we have to think seriously about it or not. I have, however, been very comforted by Psalm 40, realizing that many are His "thoughts toward us" (verse 5). I can't really wrap my brain around it...the God of the universe has thoughts involving me. Whatever this is, whatever we'll find out tomorrow, He already knows. David invokes him in verse 17, "Since I am afflicted and needy, Let the Lord be mindful of me; Thou art my help and my deliverer; Do not delay, O my God."
So, let tomorrow come. We'll have the crazy Valentine's wreath on the door that busied my mind when it needed to be busy, and the God of the universe is mindful of me and my appointment.